Instead of a traditional review, I felt it was
more appropriate to respond to the cinematic tragedy, Furry Vengeance,
with a eulogy in honor of Brendan Fraser's career.
Brendan Fraser's career (BFC) was born in 1991 in a 30-minute short film
entitled My Old School. It was a time filled with war in the Middle
East and the announcement of Johnny Carson's departure from The Tonight
Show. They were sad times indeed, but a shimmer of hope was on the
horizon.
From there, Fraser's career landed the actor a few minor roles including
"John's friend" in Child of Darkness, Child of Light and "Sailor #1" in
Dogfight, but it wasn't until the 1992 Pauly Shore comedy, Encino Man,
that gave the career a sufficient amount of screen time to stand up and
shout, "Hey, me and this Indianapolis idiot are here!" It was a bold
move for the career, but when the lines of dialogue include such
brilliance as "Check out fresh nugs" and "Wheezin' the juice," how could
it not?
The risk paid off and a shower of opportunities arose for both actor and
career, but BFC decided to avoid the low-brow comedic route and put its
efforts in dramatic roles. It was a decision that would soon divide the
two forever.
The emotional yet forgettable School Ties and Twenty Bucks came and went
without much praise from critics. Not even a hobo Joe Pesci was enough
to salvage the production of With Honors. A rift had formed. The actor
packed his belongings and gave BFC an ultimatum. Join him in the pursuit
of comedy or part ways forever. Loyal and loving, BFC refused to
abandon his thespian mate.
From 1994 to 1996, the premiers of Airheads and The Scout gave promise
the team's jocular direction, but it wasn't long before BFC noticed a
change in the actor's behavior. Greed began to cloud decision making
and, within a year, the two wound up on the set of Disney's George of
the Jungle in a loin cloth that revealed just about everything, except
their dignity. That was long gone. After the next embarrassing sight of
Fraser in Dudley Do-Right's Mounty uniform, BFC made a final stand and
begged the actor to try his hand at an action series that involved an
Egyptian mummy curse. Teary-eyed, the actor agreed.
The Mummy was a hit! It garnered over $43 million in its opening
weekend, and a sequel was already scheduled in 2001! Some called the
actor the next Indiana Jones! The team was back on top and the view
never looked so good. Just when all was right with the world, the
actor's hunger began to resurface, in more ways than one, and contracts
for more appalling comedies were secretly signed behind BFC's back.
After the utter failures of Bedazzled, Monkeybone and Looney Tunes: Back
in Action, the relationship between actor and career was significantly
bruised. Trust no longer existed. Attempts to rekindle the situation
with additional action films were made, but the damage was irreparable.
The team had only mediocrity ahead of them, and they'd be lucky if they
received that.
Bloated and yearning for attention, the thoughtless actor made one final
decision that would permanently end his relationship with his now
battered career. He agreed to star in a family comedy about an
environmentally-friendly project manager whose company is constructing
homes in the unscathed Oregon wilderness and the local wildlife
retaliates with furry fury. Not only was the actor forced to wear tight
women's clothing that exposed his protruding gut, Furry Vengeance also
required a scene in which a raccoon urinates in Fraser's mouth.
At the exact moment the stream of excretion splashed on the actor's
selfish lips, Brendan Fraser's career took its last breath and slipped
away into a peaceful everlasting slumber.
What lies in store for the actor's future is anyone's guess, except for
the possibility of a successful profession in the film industry. That
dirt road has been paved with failure.
As I sit here and ponder about the career that could have been, I can
only hope Brendan Fraser's career can be seen as an example to the next
generation of aspiring actors so its death is not in vain.
However, a
sensation of joy fills my body when I look toward the sky, because I
know in my heart it's up there gossiping with the careers of Tom Cruise,
Mel Gibson, Kevin Costner and John Travolta.
